


Anime TV

by GokuGirl



Category: Dragon Ball, Gundam Wing, Ranma 1/2, Seihou Bukyou Outlaw Star | Outlaw Star
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossover, Humor, Multi, Out of Character, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2002-10-04
Updated: 2002-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-10 18:57:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4403411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GokuGirl/pseuds/GokuGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anime characters star in various television show parodies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Some shows are multi-episode like the news, the cooking show, and the soap opera.
> 
>  **Warnings:** Extreme stupidity. Alternate universes for all. Crap loads of Japanese. If you've got anime, then you've got Japanese. Oh and one more thing: shounen ai for GW!

**Cooking With Akane, Episode 1 (Ranma 1/2)**

(Akane and Ranma are standing behind a table in what appears to be the middle of a kitchen. The Tendo girl has on an apron that reads 'Don't Harass the Cook' along with a white chef's hat and Ranma has on his standard red and black Chinese outfit.)

Akane: (smiling) Hello everyone! Today I am going to show you the proper way to make an easy pineapple upside down cake with my (cough) 'lovely' assistant Ranma Saotome. Say hello Ranma.

Ranma: (grinning) Hello Ranma!

Akane: (rolling her eyes) Whatever. So, first we start with a nice box of yellow cake mix. (Ranma hands her the box. She tears off the top and dumps it into the large mixing bowl in front of her.)

Ranma: Um, Akane?

Akane: (turning to him) What is it?

Ranma: You have to open the inside package. Look. (he points to where the entire, still packaged cake mix is inside the mixing bowl)

Akane: (blushing slightly) Er, right. (She rips open the package rather savagely and cake mix goes flying everywhere.)

Ranma: (brushing cake mix out of his hair) What's next Akane?

Akane: One cup of light brown sugar! (She grabs something without looking and it turns out to be white sugar. She measures out one cup and dumps it too into the bowl.)

Ranma: (eyes wide) Akane!

Akane: (growling) What is it Ranma? (she turns towards him, knocking a bottle of vinegar into the bowl as well)

Ranma: (looking at her face) Um, nothing. (when she turns away, he rights the bottle onto the table)

Akane: (now smiling again) Next is one stick of either butter or margarine. Doesn't matter! (frowning at the bowl, she adds an additional stick) That can't be nearly enough. (By this time, Ranma is backing away slowly trying to escape before he has to taste test her cake when it's done. Akane catches him and drags him back to the table.)

Ranma: (with a panicked look on his face) I don't wanna die!

Akane: (not hearing him) Now for our key ingredient, pineapple! Only one can of pineapple is needed. (she dumps it in too) Ranma, the hand mixer please. (gulping he handed it to her)

(Akane turns the mixer on high and lowers it into the bowl. Batter goes flying everywhere around the 'kitchen'. Soon it was all mixed into a off-white substance with chunks of pineapple floating in it and she pours it all into a pan and shoves it into the oven on 475°F for an hour.)

One hour later....

Akane: (cutting a large piece of really dark, lumpy cake and placing it into the plate) C'mon Ranma, I want you to be the first to have some!

Ranma: (shaking his head) No that's okay! How about you eat a piece?

Akane: (growling) RANMA! EAT SOME NOW! (Ranma, giving in, takes one tiny little part of her cake and stuffs it into his mouth.) Swallow, Ranma.

Ranma: (shaking his head again) No.

Akane: SWALLOW, Ranma. (Again he shakes his head. She moves over to the sink where she fills a glass full of cold water.) Swallow or everyone in tv land gets to see your secret. (His eyes widened for the second time that day and he swallows quickly. Akane smiles.) Go ahead, eat the rest.

Ranma: (begging) Oh please Akane! Don't make me eat anymore! (She merely raised the glass of water over his head and tilts it a litte. Ranma tenses up and eats the piece of pineapple upside down cake as fast as he could. His eyes roll back into his head and he passes out onto the floor.)

Akane: Ranma? (she bends down) Ranma? Are you okay? (seeing that he clearly wasn't, she jumps to her feet) Someone call 911 and maybe the poison control center!

 

**Who Wants to Lose Their Life? (Dragon Ball)**

(A studio appears and it's set up exactly like the set of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?". Instead of Regis in the chair on the right, Vegeta sits in a incredibly neat black suit.)

Announcer guy: Welcome to the gameshow that will change your life, Who Wants to Loose Their Life?, hosted by Vegeta-ouji!

(Vegeta briefly inclines his head)

Announcer guy: And here's our first contestant, Krillin!

(Krillin nervously steps onto the platform and takes a seat across from Vegeta)

Vegeta: Tell the audience a little about yourself, midget man.

Krillin: (intimidated by Vegeta's staring) Um, I'm married to a wonderful woman named Juuhachi-gou and I have a daughter named Marron.

Vegeta: (shuffling some index cards) Are you ready for the first question?

Krillin: (nodding) Yes.

Vegeta: If you answer all of them correctly, you win fabulous prizes and a chance to live. You must be pretty desperate to come on a show like this. Anyway, question number one: Who is the strongest fighter in the universe? A: Kakarotto, B: Piccolo, C: Gohan, or D: Vegeta.

Krillin: (without hesitation) My answer is, A: Gok- er Kakarotto.

Vegeta: (glaring at him) Is that your final answer?

(Something tells Krillin that he shouldn't say yes)

Krillin: No! My answer is D: Vegeta!

Vegeta: Is that your-

Krillin: (interrupting) Of course it is! Hai!

Vegeta: (extremely angry) DON'T *EVER* INTERRUPT ME AGAIN!

Krillin: (meek) Hai, sir.

Vegeta: (turning to smile dazzingly at the camera) Krillin is correct! I am the strongest fighter in the universe.

Voice: (off from the left) No you are not!

(The camera pans and focuses on an enraged ChiChi)

ChiChi: My Goku is the strongest fighter in the universe not this evil baka!

Vegeta: (not believing what he just heard) Did you just call me a baka?

ChiChi: (completely unafraid) Of course I did! Taking away my family's glory. Just like Satan-san!

Vegeta: (jumping to his feet) I am *nothing* like that pathetic ningen!

ChiChi: Keep telling yourself that shorty!

Vegeta: (growling) That's it! You get to die onna! (He gathered a large ball of yellow ki into his palm and hurled it ChiChi. It connected and when the smoke cleared, a *very* charred Krillin was lying there groaning and near death.)

ChiChi: (kneeling beside him) What did you do that for? I didn't even think you liked me.

Krillin: (weakly) I don't. It's just that Juu-chan said she would kill me if I didn't win the money. And it would take a lot longer than Vegeta's blast.

Juuhachi-gou: (from the audience) You're damn right.

ChiChi: (yelling) Someone call Goku! We're gonna have to send him to Namek-sei and use their dragonballs. (no one moved) Did I stutter? (becoming really angry) NOW!

Announcer: (in a rush) Who Wants to Lose Their Life? is brought to you in part by Dende, Chikyuu's kami. 'If you've got death, then you need dragonballs.'

 

**Good Morning Chikyuu!, Episode 1 (Various)**

(A desk is in the center of the room with two large, potted plants on either side of it. Teenage Gohan is sitting behind it with an outfit not unlike the one ChiChi sent him to Namek-sei in as old as he is. He realizes the camera is on him so a big smile spreads across his face.)

Gohan: Good Morning Chikyuu! I'm your anchorboy Son Gohan. Today is our first episode and-- (he's cut off by the phone ringing) What is going on? This isn't a call-in show! (the call is taken anyway and the voice is very familiar)

ChiChi: Hi Gohan-chan!

Gohan: (blushing) Kaasan!

ChiChi: How is my little boy doing on his first show? Did you remember to take your medicine this morning? The doctor said that it was the only way your rash was going to clear up.

Gohan: (blushing brighter) Cut the call!

ChiChi: (screaming) Don't you hang up on me! Gohan- (the call was cut)

Gohan: (quickly changing the subject) On our first show we're going to start with a little on-the-spot reporting. How's it going out there Ryouga?

(The view switches to a dense forest and Ryouga is there holding the mike. Of course the words at the bottom of the screen say Ryouga Hibiki, Lost Boy.)

Ryouga: Um, hello Gohan. It's fine, I guess. (he looked around as if seeing the area for the first time)

Gohan's Voice: (slightly impatient) What's the story?

Ryouga: (becoming suddenly professional) Well, I was going to the site where they had recently signed a peace treaty in France.

Gohan's Voice: What happened?

Ryouga: (sheepish) I got lost. But I told you about my curse when you hired me! I told you that I probably wouldn't reach my destination and it would take me a couple of weeks to get home. I have the worst sense of direction in the world!

Gohan's Voice: Fine Ryouga. Next time I'll send someone with you. Maybe Ranma when he gets out of the hospital.

Ryouga: What happened to Saotome?

Gohan's Voice: Akane's cooking happened. You do remember that her show was starting here today too?

Ryouga: (shuddering at the mere mention of her food) I remember now.

Gohan's Voice: Good! Then you're going to have to fill in for him tomorrow. She's asking for you.

Ryouga: (torn between helping his love and saving his life) Um...

Gohan's Voice: Do you have anything to report to us?

Ryouga: I don't know where the hell I am! How am I supposed to- (he's cut off by loud yelling and several Chinese Amazons surround both him and the cameraperson)

Amazon #1: You in Chinese Amazon territory! Men no wanted in Amazon territory!

Amazon #2: You must die now!

Ryouga: (screaming and running away) SOMEONE HELP ME!

Gohan: (back in the studio) We'll be back next time with more Ryouga Hibiki, the Lost Boy. Now here's Shampoo with the weather.

(Shampoo is peering at the blue screen where a map of the world is projected. She turns her head to both the left and the right and shrugs.)

Shampoo: Today Shampoo say it going to be sunny in Africa! (she sticks a large sun over the entire continent) Sorry people in desert, still no rain for you. In Japan it stay nice and comfortable all day long. No snow, no rain, no nothing. Temperatures should stay in mid-seventies. But people in west Europe have it bad! (she sticks large, gray clouds over the entire area) It rain and rain and rain. United Kingdom have it worst. But lucky people in north have plenty snow. Nice for skiing. That all for Shampoo weather report. (she waves) Have nice day!

Gohan: In sports, here's my tousan covering the big martial arts tournament on Battle Island. Tousan?

(camera switches to Goku)

Goku: (grinning) Hi everybody! Nice day for a battle, isn't it? Well, over two-hundred people entered but only fourteen made it to the semi-finals. (his grin grew wider) Me included. Not to sound conceited or anything, but I won the adult division. Trunks won the junior one.

Goten: (jumping up to be seen in the camera) He cheated! Trunks-chan cheated!

Goku: (patting him on the head) I'm sure he did. He's Vegeta's son, remember?

Trunks' Voice: I *did not* cheat Goku-san! I'm just stronger than the little baka.

Goten's Voice: Who are you callin' a baka, bastard?

Goku: (raising his voice) Kids! (both shut up) Basically, that's all I have to report. It was a great tournament, everyone had fun-

Goten and Trunks: (in unison) Not us!

Goku: (ignoring them) Mr. Satan was actually able to give out the prize money this time. Juuhachi-gou's threat from three years ago really affected him. That's all I have to say, back to you Gohan!

Gohan: (once again in the studio) Domo arigatou, Tousan. That's all for this edition of Good Morning Chikyuu! I'm your host, Son Gohan. Ja ne!

ChiChi: (screaming just off-stage) No I *will not* leave! My son disrespected me! It's time for his punishment!

(Gohan jumped to his feet and disappeared off camera. ChiChi is shown, her face twisted in rage, before the camera is turned off.)

 

**One War to Win, Episode 1 (Gundam Wing)**

(All five Gundam Pilots are lying low on a mission waiting for OZ to come by. Loud rock music plays and Duo is laughing manically in the background. The sounds from Deathscythe is coming through everyone's com and driving them all insane. Heero is very tempted to cover his ears but then he couldn't pilot Wing. So he settled for the next best thing...)

Heero: Duo, if you don't shut that damn music off omae o korosu!

Duo: (still laughing) I love ya too Hee-chan!

Quatre: (sounding strained) Seriously Duo, I agree with him. We already have to hear you scream and curse the poor men and women of OZ who fight us and die, music is a hundred times worse."

Duo: Let's clear up one thing, Qua-chan. Those OZ bastards ask for it! When they see us comin' do they turn tail and run? Iie! They stand there like idiots when they know we outclass those crappy Aries and Leo mobile suits any day of the week.

Wufei: What about Tallgeese?

Duo: Tallgeese, shmall-geese. Zechs Merquise is a good pilot but *no one* is better than Shinigami.

Heero: And the Perfect Soldier.

Wufei: Don't forget the Dragon.

Quatre: (not wanting to be left out) And the Desert Prince!

Duo: (snorting with laughter) Desert Prince?!

Quatre: (somewhat embarrassed) Well, yeah...

Heero: (slightly amused) It makes you seem like you belong in a fairy tale.

Trowa: (almost inaudibly) I think it suits him well, Heero.

(Quatre's face on the monior is beaming)

Quatre: Why thank you Trowa. You see, at least someone likes it.

Duo: He has to say that, Quatre. He's your 'special friend'.

Quatre: (blushing) Um...

(Suddenly Heero shushes them as he locates something on radar)

Heero: I've spotted twenty Leos and fifteen Aries coming this way, Quatre.

(The blond remained silent.)

Heero: Quatre!

Quatre: (blinking) Oh yeah! I'm the strategist, aren't I? (everyone sweatdrops) Heero, you and Duo go off in front. Duo loves killing them so you two can handle most of it. Wufei, you go left to catch the ones that try to veer off. I'll take the right side and Trowa can circle around and come at them from behind. Love, please only shoot when *absolutely* necessary. We don't want you running out of ammo.

Trowa: ...

Duo: Listen, Tro, the next time we see Howard you need to ask for a weapons upgrade. You *always* run out of ammo in the middle of the battle. One gundaniam alloy sword is not going to do anything. And since you don't use the beam sabre...

Quatre: (commanding) Trowa! Use the damn sabre!

Trowa: (emotionless) It's for emergencies only.

Heero: Trowa, I think if ten suits are coming at you and you have no more ammo that it qualifies for an emergency.

(A few seconds later the mobile suits are upon then and Duo is cackling in manic glee.)

Duo: SHINIGAMI HAS COME TO TAKE YOU ALL TO HELL!

Everyone else: Duo shut the hell up!

Duo: (not hearing them over his own crazed laughter) MWHAHAHAHAHA!

(Ten minutes later OZ was completely destroyed and the Gundams were making their way back to their hiding place so they could go back to school. Duo is singing at the top of his voice to music and Heero is muttering curses underneath his breath.)

Duo: (to Smashmouth) Hey now, you're an all star. Get your game on. Go play!  
Hey now, you're a rock star. Get you show on, get paid.  
All that glitters is gold! Only super stars break the mold!

Heero: When we get back to the school, omae o korosu!

Duo: (gulping) Eeep!

  
Narrator: Will Heero really murder Duo and hack his body into itty bitty pieces?

Duo: Hey!

Narrator: Or will love prevail and he just punish Duo by sleeping in a different bed for an entire week?

Duo: (wailing) Noooooooo!

Narrator: Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of One War to Win.

 

**Capsule Corp., Episode 1 (Dragon Ball)**

(Scene opens onto many cubicles and Piccolo is on the phone. Yamcha walks towards his desk and takes a seat just as Piccolo reaches the end of his call.)

Piccolo: No you do not get a free trip to Mexico for switching your damn long-distance carrier! I don't care if it's Spring Break! (he slams down the phone and folds his arms across his chest.)

Yamcha: How are you doing today, Piccolo?

Piccolo: (glaring at him) What does it look like?

(Goku enters the room with a bright smile on his face. He's dressed in a black designer suit and is carrying a briefcase.)

Goku: (cheerfully) Good morning everyone!

Everyone in the room: (dully) Good morning, Son-san.

Goku: And how is everyone doing today?

Everyone: Fine, Son-san.

ChiChi: (dressed in gray business suit and holding and black leather datebook) Goku, you have a ten o'clock with the president of Winner Enterprises Incorporated. It's at the Rose Room.

Goku: (laughing) That Quatre is always entertaining. (they exit into a hallway and walk to Goku's office)

Piccolo: (grumbling) What a bastard.

Yamcha: (agreeing) You're telling me. He's always so happy because he has an office and makes more money than we do. (he randomly picks a name from his list and dials the phone)

Yamcha: Hello, ma'am. Do you want a Capsule Corp. credit card?

Mirai Trunks: (panting as he exits the elevator) I'm late! Oh kami. Is Son-san here yet?

(Piccolo and Yamcha exchange looks and then smirk.)

Piccolo: No Trunks, you beat him here for once.

Trunks: (sighing in relief and sitting at his cubicle next to Piccolo) I am so glad. I went to this wild party last night and didn't get home until three this morning.

Goku: (walking through the cubicles again while talking to ChiChi) Honey, can't you push that back until Friday?

ChiChi: For the last time no, Goku! You have to get this done by *Thursday* or the contract will expire.

(Trunks looks shocked and then he glares at Piccolo and Yamcha who are silently laughing. Goku pauses at Trunks' cubicle and shakes his head.)

Goku: This is the third time this week you've been late, Trunks. I'm going to have to request that you see Vegeta-san (the older one) this afternoon.

Trunks: (eyes wide with horror) No not him! I'll do anything, Goku-san!

Goku: (considering it) Well...

ChiChi: (firmly) No, Goku.

Goku: But-

ChiChi: No.

(They walk to the elevator and leave for the lobby.)

Yamcha: You're really home alone? (pause) Your husband's out of town? (pause) Fax me some pictures! The number is...

(Ten seconds later Yamcha drops the phone and runs over to the fax machine across the room. Piccolo, Trunks, and a few more male workers crowd around him. The first picture comes off and it shows a blue-haired woman with a smile on her face wearing a pink tubetop and black short-shorts.)

Trunks: She's hot, man!

Yamcha: Yeah!

(Then a second picture comes out and it's an 'after the clothes are gone' photo. Yamcha's eyes widen and he runs back to the phone.)

Yamcha: Give me your address and I'll be right over. What? You want a pic of me? (he digs in his wallet and hands one to Trunks) Go do this for me man and I'll owe you a big one. Can you also cover for me?

Trunks: (nodding) Sure thing. (he writes down her fax number and quickly sends the picture)

Yamcha: You think I'm hot? Arigatou! Give me ten minutes and I'll be right there, Lunch. Okay bye. (he hangs up the phone, grabs his coat, and begins to sing) Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight! Get down tonight!

Trunks: (calling to him) See if she has a sister for me Yamcha!

Yamcha: Sure. See ya guys. (the elevator doors begin to close) I have things to do.

(Vegeta (the younger) rushes into the room and seeks out Krillin. He's wearing an ugly green plaid shirt with a striped burgundy tie.)

Vegeta: Ms. Briefs needs your report on her desk in three minutes or you're fired. If I don't get back in three minutes, *I'm* fired.

Krillin: (sighing and pressing print on his computer) That woman is evil.

Vegeta: I know but I can't do anything about her.

Piccolo: Vegeta what does she look like?

Vegeta (shrugging) I have no idea. When people give me their stuff, I slide it though the slot in her door.

Trunks: But your father is so high up the corporate ladder, you should have seen her before!

Vegeta: *Tousan* hasn't seen her either.

Krillin: (handing him four pages of work) What is your official job anyway?

Vegeta: (proudly) I'm her personal assistant!

Piccolo: (laughing) In other words you're a glorified errand boy.

Vegeta: (furious) SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!

Piccolo: I don't *want* to know an errand boy. (his phone rings as Vegeta stomps off in a huff) Moshi moshi? (pauses) I got the job? Really? (he faces breaks out into a huge smile) I got the job! Domo arigatou! (he hangs up the phone and jumps to his feet) I got the job! I get to leave this Hell Hole! I got an office with a view of the harbor! I make more money! I got another job! (he grabs a box and begins to pile his personal stuff in it) See you losers in Hell!

Trunks: (irritated) Not if I see you first! (blinks) What did I just say?

 

That's all for this edition of Anime TV. See you next time for a new one-episoder and more from the continuing shows.


	2. Chapter 2

**Cooking With Akane, Episode 2 (Ranma 1/2)**

(Akane is standing once again behind a wooden kitchen table, but this time her apron reads "The surgeon general has declared that pissing off the cook is hazardous to your health." She's joined by Ryouga this time instead of Ranma.)

 **Akane:**  Welcome to this week's episode of Cooking With Akane! I'm your host, Akane Tendo, and this is my assistant Ryouga Hibiki. Greet our audience, Ryouga.

 **Ryouga:**  (pleading) Please help me!

 **Akane:**  (laughing falsely) Such a kidder! Last week's mistake, something that put poor Ranma in the hospital, won't happen again this week. I'm going to be a lot more careful. Today we will be making Mint Brownies!

 **Ryouga:**  (hopeful) She can't screw up brownies. No one can! (gleefully) I'm going to be okay!

 **Akane:**  (frowning) Of course you're going to be okay, Ryouga. What did you think was going to happen?

 **Ryouga:**  (using an ability that Ranma doesn't have -- knowing when to keep his mouth shut) Oh nothing...

 **Akane:**  First we preheat the oven to 350º Fahrenheit (she holds down the button on the oven without looking and stops at 530º)

 **Ryouga:**  (hesitatingly) Uh, Akane?

 **Akane:**  (hissing) Quiet, Ryouga! (sweetly) Next we lightly grease an eight inch square pan. (she searches for the grease) What do I grease it with?

 **Ryouga:**  Aka-

 **Akane:**  (interrupting him) NOT A WORD!

(Ryouga raises his hand and waits patiently to be called upon.)

 **Akane:**  (sighing) What do you want now, Ryouga?

 **Ryouga:**  You set the oven on the wrong temperature. The brownies will burn at 530º.

(Akane checks and sees that he's correct.)

 **Akane:**  (smiling) Arigatou, Ryouga! You're a lot more helpful than Ranma. (she reduces the temp) Okay, now we still have to grease the pan.

 **Ryouga:**  Allow me to do it, Akane. (he retrieves the Crisco from a cabinet) I want to do something.

 **Akane:**  Now I need to combine five cups of sugar, eight ounces of unsweetened cocoa, three cups of flour, and one tablespoon of salt in a big bowl. This mixture will actually let you make up to five pans of brownies.

 **Ryouga:**  Uh, maybe I should be doing that for you.

 **Akane:**  You have your job already so let me do mine! (she dumps five half-cups of sugar, one twelve ounce container of cocoa, three half-cups of flour, and one teaspoon of salt) Okay! Now we have to add two cups of this mixture with one-third cup of melted butter, two large, beaten eggs, two tablespoons of water, half a teaspoon of vanilla extract, and a six ounce package of melted mint chocolate chips.

 **Ryouga:**  (begging) *Please* let me do this part, Akane!

 **Akane:**  This is *my* show, Ryouga. You're just the assistant. Hand me everything, okay? (she put in two half cups of the mixture and then added one-third cup of non-melted butter, two eggs that she didn't beat that also parts of the shell still included, two teaspoons of water, a tablespoon of vanilla extract, and a package of non-melted mint chips)

 **Ryouga:**  Can I ask a question?

 **Akane:**  What is it?

 **Ryouga:**  Promise that you won't get mad.

 **Akane:**  (annoyed) I promise, now what is it?

 **Ryouga:**  Are you dyslexic? You seem to have a really hard time following directions. (he jumped away just as he knee came near a very tender area) You promised that you wouldn't get mad!

 **Akane:**  (pissed) Get away from me, Ryouga! Let me finish these brownies! (she pours the mixture into the pan, spreads it, and pops it into the oven) I'm going to set the timer for thirty minutes. (she does so without a problem)

 **Ryouga:**  (muttering) That seems to be the only thing you can do right.

 **Akane:**  (hearing him) RYOUGA!

 **Ryouga:**  (moving out of the way as fast as he can) Stop it! I can't hit you back, you know!

 **Akane:**  (pausing a minute to smile at the camera) Cooking with Akane will be right back after these messages!

<Insert a Pepto-Bismol® commercial, a Rolaids® commercial, and a Tums® commercial.>

 **Akane:**  Welcome back, everyone! I will now show the finished product and my dear assistant will take a little taste. (she brings an already cooled pan of brownies that she made earlier in the day)

 **Ryouga:**  (eyes wide with fear from across the kitchen) Do I really have to, Akane? It looks completely fine to me! (he eyes the charred, lumpy substance) Completely fine!

 **Akane:**  If it's "completely fine" why do you look so terrified? C'mon, try just a little bit for me. (she cuts a piece and moves it toward his mouth) Just a little, Ryouga. Stop acting as if it's going to hurt you.

 **Ryouga:**  Nooooo! (hopping away and running from the room screaming) NOOOOOOOOOO! I don't want to die!

 **Akane:**  (yelling after him) Fine then, Ryouga! By the way, you're not heading towards the nearest exit! (she takes a bite of the brownie herself, pales, and spits it out) That's disgusting!

 **Voice:**  Today's episode of Cooking With Akane has *not* been brought to you by Betty Crocker®. In fact, there isn't anyone willing to sponsor her at all!

* * *

**Blind Date, Episode 1 (Various)**

(The audience is clapping and the camera focuses on a lone man sitting on a pink, heart-shaped chair off to the side.)

 **Treize:**  Konnichi-wa everyone and welcome to the very first episode of Blind Date! (he waits for the clapping to cease) My name is Treize Khushrenada and I am your host. (he smiles at the camera) Today we have Ukyou Kuonji. Tell us a little about yourself, Ukyou.

 **Ukyou:**  (dressed in her usual menswear) Well, my father promised me to Ranma Saotome as a child, but the little bastard tricked us and took my family's okonomiyaki yatai instead. Ever since then I've given up my womanhood and studied the okonomiyaki style of martial arts intensively. Now, though, I think that Ranma isn't worth it so I'm going to move on.

 **Treize:**  Okay then, Ukyou. Are you ready to play Blind Date?

 **Ukyou:**  Sure!

 **Treize:**  Now it's time for our male prospects to be introduced. Prospect #1, please say a little something about yourself.

 **Prospect #1:**  Well, I'm also a martial artist. I've helped to save the world a few times though lately the bad guys have been just a little too strong. I usually devote most of my time to my art, but we can train together since you love it too. If not practicing my art, I love to play video games and take long walks on the beach.

 **Ukyou:**  (smiling) Thank you, Prospect #1. Prospect #2, it's your turn.

 **Prospect #2:**  I have also helped to save the world and I also practice martial arts. When I am not training or meditating, I love to talk about justice and Nataku. Did you know that most people are unaware of the great goddess?

 **Ukyou:**  Um, I didn't. That's really too bad. Prospect #3?

 **Prospect #3:**  I'm an outlaw and a bounty hunter with my own space ship and everything. If you ever want a ride out into space then I'm your guy. The thing is that I always seem to have a serious lack of funds. Most of the bounties I collect go into my ship. I can always borrow from my little buddy, Jim, so it really shouldn't be too big of a problem. (pause) Though he does always want to collect interest later on.

 **Ukyou:**  Okay... First question: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

 **Prospect #1:**  I would definitely be a wolf. They're great hunters and fierce in a battle. Wouldn't be alpha, though. I couldn't stand having so many kids.

 **Ukyou:**  (frowning at his answer) Next prospect.

 **Prospect #2:**  I would be a dragon. They are wise and majestic creatures that have great power within.

 **Ukyou:**  A real animal, please.

 **Prospect #2:**  Dragons are beings of fact! How dare you suggest otherwise!

 **Ukyou:**  (already crossing him off her mental list) Sure they are. Prospect #3?

 **Prospect #3:**  I would be a fox because they're cunning and swift. You have to be both to survive in my world.

 **Ukyou:**  I like your answer. Question Two: If you could have one wish, what would it be?

 **Prospect #1:**  I would go back in time to the day the Androids attacked and not get out of bed. That way I wouldn't have gotten nearly disemboweled.

 **Ukyou:**  (shaking her head at his answer) Prospect #2?

 **Prospect #2:**  I also would want to go back in time. I would stop my wife from piloting that mecha and do it myself. If I had acted like a man all those years ago then she would probably still be alive today.

 **Ukyou:**  (liking his answer) Good response.

 **Treize:**  (stepping in) It's time for a commercial break everyone. Don't go anywhere because Blind Date will be right back!

<Insert random set of three commercials here.>

 **Treize:**  And we're back! Ukyou was just about to ask Prospect #3 her second question. If you could have one wish, what would it be?

 **Prospect #3:**  I would wish for unlimited funds. There are tons of things I want to do to the Outlaw Star and I need to pay back Fred Luo. You definitely don't want to owe that guy any money if you can help it.

 **Ukyou:**  Oh? Why not?

 **Prospect #3:**  (brief silence) Actually, it might be okay for you seeing as you're a girl and all. He shouldn't hound you for it as often as he does me.

 **Ukyou:**  (processing his words) Okay, moving on. Question #3: If you could be a breakfast cereal, which one would you choose?

 **Prospect #1:**  Can I ask where you're getting these questions from, first?

 **Ukyou:**  I know that they're a little stupid, but they were the best ones on the list, believe me. Would you want to be asked 'What's your idea of a perfect date?'

 **Prospect #1:**  Actually, yes. I would have.

 **Prospect #2:**  I, as well.

 **Prospect #3:**  Don't forget about me!

 **Ukyou:**  (sweatdropping) Maybe my idea of "stupid question" is different from your idea. Prospect #1, please answer the previous question.

 **Prospect #1:**  I would have to be Wheaties®. It's the breakfast of champions and I'm definitely that.

 **Ukyou:**  You need to get over yourself. Prospect #2?

 **Prospect #2:**  I would be Cheerios®. They're plain and uncomplicated. Just like my life.

 **Ukyou:**  Uh, Prospect #3?

 **Prospect #3:**  Lucky Charms®. I have a lot of luck in my life. Do you want to hear about the time I disarmed a bomb?

 **Ukyou:**  No, I think I'll pass on that one.

 **Treize:**  Which prospect do you choose, Ukyou? Is it Prospect #1, #2, or #3?

 **Ukyou:**  Do I have to? I didn't really like any of them. #1's conceited, #2 has issues, and #3's a scrub!

 **Prospect #3:**  I am *not* a scrub for your information! (meekly) I just don't have much money, that's all.

 **Ukyou:**  It'd be better if I could see them first, Treize. Can I please just go around and look at their faces?

 **Treize:**  That's against the rules of this show.

 **Ukyou:**  (puppy dog eyes) Please, Khushrenada-san? Please, may I peek?

 **Treize:**  (giving in) Fine, Ukyou. Anything to end this episode.

(So Ukyou goes around to the front of the stage and scrutinizes each prospect. After thirty seconds she goes up and grabs prospect #2.)

 **Ukyou:**  Let's go. You're the lesser of three evils overall.

 **Prospect #2:**  (face brightening) Really? Well, first we have to set down some ground rules.

 **Ukyou:**  Nani?

 **Prospect #2:**  No onna of mine will study martial arts! You're not a man!

 **Ukyou:**  (getting pissed) I don't think you know who you're talking to! (she unsheathes the giant spatula she wears on her back) I've changed my mind about you. Let's go!

 **Prospect #2:** (which by now you should know his identity) I will not fight an onna.

 **Ukyou:**  (swinging her spatula) Then you will be seriously hurt!

(Prospect #2 moves out of the way and unsheathes his katana.)

 **Prospect #2:**  I am seriously tired of you, onna. If it is a battle you want, then I battle you shall have.

 **Treize:**  (grabbing Prospect #2 by the arm and holding him back) Really, Dragon, must you always attack everyone?

 **Prospect #2:**  Unhand me, Khushrenada!

 **Treize:**  That's not what you said last night.

 **Prospect #2:**  (blushing deeply) I am going to pretend that you just didn't say that.

 **Treize:**  Pretend all you like, but it doesn't change the fact that millions of people throughout the country have heard me say it. Why are you trying to find a woman, anyway? Aren't Milliardo and I enough?

 **Prospect #2:**  La, la, la, la, la...

 **Ukyou:**  I'm just going to grab Prospect #3, okay? Do, or say, whatever you want. I'm out of here.

 **Treize:**  (while disarming Prospect #2 and bringing the struggling young man close to his body) Ukyou has made her choice. That concludes this episode of Blind Date. This is Treize Khushrenada signing off.

* * *

**Immortality For Dummies (Dragon Ball)**

**Voice:**  This paid advertisement does not necessarily reflect the views of this station.

(Camera focuses on Vegeta who's wearing his customary outfit (post Android Saga) of sleeveless black spandex, white gloves, and white boots. He's standing in the middle of a stage with a table full of books behind him.)

 **Vegeta:**  Who wants to be immortal?

(Complete silence from the audience.)

 **Vegeta:**  (growling) I said... who wants to be immortal?

(Hands pop up everywhere.)

 **Audience:**  We do! We do!

 **Vegeta:**  Great. Now look, I know a lot of people want everlasting life, but it's not gonna be easy. In fact, it's gonna be the toughest thing you've ever had to do in your entire lifetime.

 **Audience Member:**  Then why would we want to do it in the first place?

 **Vegeta:**  (pointing his glowing index finger at the unfortunate man) I didn't tell you to ask questions! (He shoots a thin beam of blue ki at the audience member and it goes through his skull, leaving a small burn hole behind. The man falls over, dead.) My brand new book "Immortality for Dummies" explains all that you need to know in detail.

(Vegeta turns his back to go pick up a book and all the audience members rise at the same time, hoping to escape.)

 **Vegeta:** (pleasantly) I would sit back down if I were you.

(The audience sits. Vegeta turns back to face them, book in hand.)

 **Vegeta:**  My book is divided into chapters from "Why the hell do I want to be immortal?" to "Immortality has been achieved!" I explain all the options that you have, but the dragonballs are your best ones. (he stares expectantly at the audience and no one utters a sound) IF SOMEONE DOESN'T ASK A QUESTION RIGHT NOW THEN I'M GOING TO GET ANGRY!

 **Audience Member:**  Can I leave?

 **Vegeta:**  No you can't. Next question?

(About twenty hands go up.)

 **Vegeta:**  If you're going to ask "Can I leave?" or any variation thereof, then I'm going to kill you.

(All the hands drop except for one.)

 **Vegeta:**  Hai?

 **Audience Member:**  What are dragonballs?

 **Vegeta:**  (pleased at her question) I'm glad that you asked! Dragonballs are something that Namek-jin from a certain line create. Before you ask, Namek-jin are people from Namek-sei. Anyway, there are seven total and you can make a wish upon them.

 **Same Audience Member:**  Any wish in the world?

 **Vegeta:**  *Almost* any wish. If it's outside Shenron's power then it won't be granted. They're spread all over the world, though, so it'll probably take ningen at least a month to find them. You'll never find them without the Dragonball Radar.

 **Different Audience Member:**  What the hell is a "Dragonball Radar"?

 **Vegeta:**  It's a device that locates dragonballs. Were you dropped on your head as a baby or something? That has to be the dumbest question I've ever heard!

 **Yet Another Audience Member:**  What's my name?

 **Vegeta:**  (snorting) Okay, the *second* dumbest question.

 **Audience Member #1:**  (the one who asked "What are dragonballs?") If we need a Dragonball Radar to find the dragonballs, where can we get one?

 **Vegeta:**  Finally, another intelligent question! You either have to beg my mate Bulma for one or make it yourself. (he held up his hand to forestall the oncoming questions) I have all the directions needed to create your own in my book, courtesy of Bulma. As long as you're a mechanical genius you shouldn't have any problems.

 **Audience Member #3:**  (the one who asked "What's my name?") What if you aren't a genius?

 **Vegeta:**  In your case, retard, you're screwed. In everyone else's case, it'll just take a little bit more work.

 **Audience Member #4:**  Where can we find the materials needed to create the radar?

 **Vegeta:**  Use a little common sense, baka! Ask around! (he held up his hand again) Stop the questions! Hold it with the questions! Look, I'm not answering anything more. You'll just have to buy my book.

 **Audience Member #2:**  (not thinking) How much is it? (before he can blink, a ki blast turns him into ashes)

 **Vegeta:**  The next person who asks me a question will be tortured before I kill them! Get up here now and buy my book! It's only 99.95.

(Sensing a deal, the Japanese audience brings out their wallets.)

 **Vegeta:**  (smirking) That's in US dollars. In yen you owe me ¥14,433.56.

(Shocked silence.)

 **Vegeta:**  It's a bargain, I know. Fork it over, now! If you don't have it then say hi to Enma-sama for me!

 **Audience Member #5:**  Um, sir? Can I write you a check?

 **Vegeta:**  A check's just a damn promise on paper! If it bounces then you can bet your ass that I'll be at your house within five minutes of finding out. (he smiled at him) Are you still willing to take that risk?

 **Audience Member #5:**  (nodding) It's either that or die here. The money can still be deposited before you cash the check.

 **Vegeta:**  (taking all the money and promises of money from the audience members) Line up to get your books! After you finish reading them I want a full-page essay on what you thought about it.

 **Audience Member #1:**  Do you want it double-spaced?

 **Vegeta:**  (sighing) Let me elaborate. I want it typed in a *nice* font, people! None of that "Times New Roman" crap. It doesn't have to be double-spaced and your printer better not screw it up. That means you need to check your ink levels *before* printing! (he handed the last book to the last person) Go on, get out of here!

(Vegeta turns to the camera and holds up a book.)

 **Vegeta:**  You, too, can get "Immortality For Dummies" for the low, low price of ¥14, 433.56! If you act now I'll even throw in "Super Saiya-jin For Dummies" for absolutely nothing! That's right, you receive two books by the All-Powerful Vegeta-ouji for the price of one. (staring hard into the camera) If you don't buy my book I *will* find out who you are and then you can kiss all of your loved ones goodbye! (suddenly smirking) Have a nice day.

 **Voice:**  This paid advertisement has been brought to you by AOL Time Warner -- because when you have evil, you must have AOL. Got Internet?

* * *

**One War to Win, Episode 2 (Gundam Wing)**

(The pilots are approaching the school on foot. It's night and Heero's in the lead, followed by Duo, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei. No one has any scratches or wounds whatsoever and Duo's in high spirits despite the fact that he can't say anything to ruin the silence.)

 **Duo:**  (laughing silently) ...

 **Heero:**  (sensing the motion behind him and frowning) ...

 **Quatre:**  (pokes Duo in the back and makes a goofy face) ...

 **Duo:**  (laughing harder) ...

 **Heero:**  (frowning harder) ...

 **Trowa:**  (poking Quatre and saying an entire conversation with just a few expressions) ...

 **Heero:**  (breaking the silence) If you three don't stop talking right now...

 **Duo:**  Uh, Hee-chan? *You* were the first person to say something aloud.

 **Heero:**  (growling as he realized the truth of the statement) So? I'm the leader, aren't I? It's my job to break the silence.

 **Duo:**  (joining Quatre in snickering) Sure, Heero. Whatever you say.

(The five of them snuck back into the boarding school and into their dorm rooms. Duo peels off his flight suit as soon as he hits the door of the room he shares with Heero and grabs his usual priest garb.)

 **Duo:**  I'm going to take a shower. (he disappears into the bathroom)

 **Heero:**  (unsure if that was an invitation) Hn. I have to write a report for J anyway.

(Ten minutes go by and Duo has long since been clean. He waits for a little while longer, sighs, towels off, and gets dressed. He re-enters the room to find Heero typing away at his laptop.)

 **Duo:**  (glaring at the computer) I hate you. You know that, don't you? That's why you lure him away from me all the time.

 **Heero:**  (not looking up) Did you say something?

 **Duo:**  (glaring at Heero this time) I'm going to do something about this. I *will* save you from its vile seduction!

(Duo marches over and shuts the laptop.)

 **Duo:**  (dusting off his hands) There! No muss, no fuss!

 **Heero:**  (who'd snatched his hands away from the keyboard barely in time) Duo, do I need to commit you? You've obviously lost your damn mind! (he snorted) What's left of it, anyway.

 **Duo:**  You spend more time with that damn laptop than you do with me! (he put his hands on his hips) I won't stand it anymore!

 **Heero:**  (a little disturbed by the conversation) Uh, Duo? You know that I'm a Gundam Pilot and the leader, don't you? I have to type post-mission reports to J. You knew that coming into this relationship.

 **Duo:**  I didn't think you would spend *all* of your time on that thing! (he pointed at the laptop) It's evil, I tell you! EVIL! (he glares one last time at the two of them and then goes to the task of braiding his hair.)

 **Heero:**  (sighing as he sits behind him on the bed) Let me do that for you. Look, Duo, maybe I do spend just a little too much time on the computer.

 **Duo:**  (sensing a victory) Hai?

 **Heero:**  (suddenly smirking) I'll stop spending so much time on the laptop if you do something for me.

 **Duo:**  (smiling) Anything, Heero.

 **Heero:**  Cut your hair.

 **Duo:**  (eyes wide) ARE YOU INSANE?! I don't grow hair for fifteen years just to CUT IT ALL OFF!

 **Heero:**  Yet you want me to give up my computer time. Don't you think that doing so would be just as hard for me as cutting your hair would be hard for you?

 **Duo:**  (frowning) Why the hell are you so verbal all of a sudden? (sulking) Fine.

 **Heero:**  (surprised) Nani?!

 **Duo:**  I guess the laptop and I are going to have to become good friends because there is no way in hell I'm cuttin' my hair!

 **Heero:**  Glad to see we've reached an understanding. (he ties off his braid and moves away)

 **Duo:**  (glaring at the laptop on the desk) You'll get yours someday. As God as my witness, you're gonna get yours.

  
Is Heero's laptop going to fall into the hands of a pissed off Duo Maxwell? Will Heero ever get him back for singing during the last mobile suit battle? Stay tuned for the next (slightly demented) episode of One War to Win!

* * *

**Capsule Corp., Episode 2 (Dragon Ball)**

(Scene opens in the front office again, but it's the next day. Piccolo's cubicle is empty but nearly all of the others are filled.)

 **Krillin:**  I think I'm going to miss Piccolo.

 **Yamcha:**  Why? He was always screaming at people on the phone and at people in the office. And I don't care what anyone says, he wasn't just a huge green elf!

(Complete silence in the office.)

 **Krillin:**  Uh, Yamcha? Piccolo never said that he was an elf.

 **Yamcha:**  Then why the hell does he have pointy ears?

 **Mirai Trunks:**  (who was on time for once) Out of all the things to notice about him, you see his ears! What about the green and pink skin? What about his antennae?

 **Voice:**  Hey everybody, look! Piccolo's on television!

(Everyone in the office rushes to the lounge where there's a small color TV. It was a special news report and Piccolo's standing in front of a building with flames rising in the background. Two firemen put out the remainder of the flames and then the news reporter begins to question Piccolo.)

 **Reporter:**  How long have you worked here, sir?

 **Piccolo:**  (depressed) Today was supposed to be my first day. They hired me away from my old job at a salary increase, more responsibilities, and more benefits. I even had my own office. (suddenly angry) NOW I HAVE TO GO BACK TO CAPSULE CORPORATION! WHEN I FIND OUT WHO DID THIS, I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!

 **Reporter:**  There you have it. The angry truth from an angry employee. This fire has forever altered so many lives and, until the firefighters determine the cause, we will all wonder if there is a person out there that could be callous enough to hurt so many people. Back to you, Takeru.

 **Krillin:**  (shaking his head) Well, you can ask himself when he gets back here. He should have known that he'd be working here for the rest of his life.

 **Goku:**  (from office) Why don't I see people working?

(The group rushes back to their cubicles and soon the only sound you can here is that of keyboard keys. Goku smiles and goes back down the hall towards his office. As soon as the door shuts, the clacking stops.)

 **Mirai Trunks:**  How long do you think it'll take him to get here from that building?

(The door opens and a pissed, soot-covered Piccolo stomps in.)

 **Krillin:**  About five minutes.

 **Piccolo:**  (glaring at them) Don't say a damn word. (he goes over to his cubicle and sits down in his chair)

(The door opens again thirty seconds later and a bald man with three eyes enters.)

 **Man:**  Sorry I'm late, everyone. Is the boss around?

 **Yamcha:**  (pointing) Down that hall and to the right. You can't miss it.

 **Man:**  (bowing) Domo arigatou. (he disappears down the hall)

 **Krillin:**  Who was that?

(Vegeta, who was just coming in the office, answers.)

 **Vegeta:**  Briefs-san hired him today. Seems that we need another telemarketer since Hitomi's about to be fired.

(Hitomi, a pretty blond woman with blue eyes, peeks over the wall of her cubicle.)

 **Hitomi:**  (surprised) What did you just say?!

 **Vegeta:**  (smiling falsely) Gomen, Hitomi, but you've just been pink slipped. (he places it onto her desk) Have a nice day!

 **Hitomi:**  (in shock) I can't believe this!

 **Vegeta:**  Believe it, onna. If you're not out of this building in ten minutes, I'm callin' security! Since Briefs-san hired you, production has actually fallen two percent!

 **Hitomi:**  B-but I do my work...

 **Vegeta:**  (pointing at the door) Out! NOW!

(She begins to pack up her personal belongings slowly, but Vegeta hurries her along. In sixty seconds she's waving goodbye to her friends and leaving the office.)

 **Yamcha:**  (once the door closed) You're a evil little bastard.

 **Vegeta:**  (proudly) Why, thank you.

 **Man**  (re-entering the office) I didn't introduce myself before. I'm Tenshinhan.

 **Krillin:**  Hi. (he glares at Vegeta and then answers his phone) Capsule Corporation, Krillin speaking. How may I help you today? (his mouth drops open as he listens and then he shoots a look at Yamcha) Ten, I think this is for you. It's your wife.

 **Tenshinhan:**  (after grabbing the phone) Hi, Lunch! How's my favorite girl?

 **Yamcha:**  (mouth also dropping open) Oh my Kami! (he looks over at Ten's new desk and notices a picture on top of it) Oh my Kami! (he recognizes the woman in the picture as the very same Lunch he'd had sex with the day before) OH MY KAMI!

 **Krillin:**  (paling as he realizes what he suspects is true) Um, Yamcha? Can I see you for a moment?

(The two of them go off towards the lounge. Mirai Trunks sees the looks on their faces and is quick to follow.)

 **Mirai Trunks:**  What's going on, guys? Why do you look so funny?

 **Krillin:**  (almost shouting) Yamcha's boinking Tenshinhan's wife!

 **Yamcha:**  (covering his mouth in a panic) Shut up, man! Do you want to get me killed?

 **Mirai Trunks:**  So you're an adulterer, big deal. It's not like she'll ever tell him. (a pause) Will she?

 **Yamcha:**  (bringing his hands to his face) I don't know! I just met her yesterday, remember?

 **Mirai Trunks:**  (solemnly) Man, you're screwed.

  
Is Yamcha really screwed? Will Lunch tell her husband about her extramarital activities? What about the Capsule Corp. president? Has anyone ever seen her before? Stay tuned to the next exciting episode of Capsule Corp.!


End file.
